Why Honesty Is So Important, According to a Relationship Expert

Are you always honest with your partner? Are little white lies allowed or do you always tell the truth? Do you prefer to keep some things private? What does honesty mean to you and how does it impact your relationship?

In this article, we take a look at what honesty means in relationships, why it’s important, and how you can encourage and practice greater honesty and intimacy between your partner and yourself.

What Honesty Means in a Relationship

When we think of honesty in relationships, the first thing that probably comes to mind is the fact that one shouldn’t lie to or cheat on one’s partner. While that’s definitely important, honesty can also take other dimensions in relationships.

Being your authentic self with your partner and speaking your truth can sometimes be easier said than done. It typically only occurs when people feel safe enough to be vulnerable with their partners, says Dr. Romanoff. “Since honesty carries the risk of creating discomfort and conflict, one has to have faith that the relationship is strong enough to handle it and the other person is willing to accept them as they are.”

Apart from allowing your partner to truly know you, honesty is also important because it helps you communicate with your partner about what is and isn’t working in your relationship. Your partner is not a mind reader, and they won’t know what’s bothering you unless you tell them.

You Have to Be Honest With Yourself, Too

Being honest with your partner requires you to be honest with yourself first. Being honest with yourself can help you:

• Understand your feelings for your partner and the relationship
• Reflect upon whether your needs are being met in the relationship
• Recognize what you want from the relationship, in the short-term and long-term
• Identify areas for growth and improvement within the relationship

If you are unable to be honest with yourself, you might find yourself feeling anxious, unhappy, or angry for reasons you’re not able to understand. These emotions can take a toll on your mental well-being as well as your relationship.

What Is Radical Honesty?

For instance, if your partner gets a new haircut that you don’t like, you may be tempted to tell a white lie and say it looks fine, so their feelings don’t get hurt. However, radical honesty requires you to share exactly how you feel in the moment, says Dr. Romanoff.

Radical honesty can sometimes feel scary, because it requires you to speak your truth even when you’re sure your partner doesn’t want to hear it.

Radical honesty can help you be your most authentic self in your relationships and live your life according to your values. However, it’s important not to misuse it, because it can be harmful to relationships.

It’s become an important component of many relationships, particularly ethical non-monogamy relationships, such as polyamorous or open relationships, that require honest and open communication to succeed. As an example, telling your partner you have feelings for someone else can be scary because it might hurt their feelings or trigger feelings of insecurity. Therefore, it is important to develop the skill and ability to have these difficult conversations with mutual care, consideration, and respect.

“Sometimes, radical honesty can be an excuse to hurt or criticize the other person. We make the justification that we’re ‘just being honest’ to accuse the other person or put them down,” Dr. Romanoff explains. Therefore, she says it’s important to reflect on what you’re trying to achieve when you’re being honest: Think about whether your goal is to hurt the other person, manipulate them, or to become closer, have more trust, and build intimacy.

Why Is Honesty So Important in Relationships 

Honesty is important for relationships because:

• Enables authenticity: Being your authentic self with your partner allows them to truly know you. While it’s normal to want to showcase the best version of yourself to someone you’re dating, hiding things about yourself does you and your partner a disservice. Though secrets can seem mysterious and exciting, the truth is, being yourself can be freeing.
• Helps you communicate your needs: Your partner may not know what’s going on with you unless you tell them. Honesty is important because it allows the other person to understand your needs and gives them an opportunity to respond to them, says Dr. Romanoff.
• Builds trust: Being able to be yourself with your partner can deepen the trust between you and your partner, solidify your bond, and create intimacy in the relationship. On the other hand, not feeling comfortable enough to be yourself in the relationship or suppressing your feelings and needs because you’re afraid of conflict can cause the relationship to deteriorate, says Dr. Romanoff.

Tips for Having More Honesty in Your Relationships

Dr. Romanoff shares some strategies that can help you build more honesty in your relationship.

Allow Yourself to Be Vulnerable

Revealing your fears and vulnerabilities to your partner can feel scary, but it’s an important part of getting to know one another and building trust.

For example, if your partner doesn’t respond to texts in a timely manner, you could communicate how it makes you feel unimportant and easily forgotten about, which is how you often felt growing up in your family. You could share how their current behaviors are cutting into a preexisting wound, which they likely were not aware of.

Being honest and vulnerable with them can help them understand you better and be more mindful of your need to be prioritized by those you love.

Create a Safe Space for Sharing

Encourage your partner to be honest and open with you. One way to do this is by being honest with them, because research shows that honesty begets honesty in return. Sharing your vulnerabilities with your partner can earn their trust and prompt them to share with you too. 

Let the relationship be a safe space where they can share their feelings with you, without fear of judgment. Keep their confidences private.

Share Feelings Constructively

When you’re sharing your feelings, use ‘I’ statements and try to avoid any sentences that start with ‘you’ because this puts the other person on the defensive. 

For instance, instead of saying “You should have called me when you were running late,” you could say “I was really worried when I didn’t know where you were.” 

Remember, your goal is to open up to the person and share your feelings, not criticize them.