What to Say to Someone Who Lost a Loved One

It can be hard to know what to say to someone who’s lost a loved one. You may want to show them you care, but you may not want to say something wrong and upset them instead. However, it’s important to remember that there isn’t a “right” thing to say in such a situation. 

“Everyone processes loss differently and there isn’t a one-size-fits-all script that will support each person. Use your relationship with the person to understand how they accept support and meet them where they're at,” says Angeleena Francis, LMHC, executive director for AMFM Healthcare.

This article suggests some ways you can support someone who’s lost a loved one, as well as some statements they might find helpful to hear while they’re grieving.

What to Say to Someone Who’s Lost a Loved One

These are some ways to express your support to someone who’s lost a loved one.

Express Your Condolences

Acknowledge the person’s loss and express your condolences. For instance, you can say “I am so sorry for your loss, please accept my condolences,” says Francis.

Or, you could say “I know how much they meant to you, this must be a difficult time,” to acknowledge the enormity of their loss and help normalize it, says Francis.

Show Them You Care

Reach out to the person and let them know you care. You can simply say “I care about you and I’m here for you.”

You can even show them you care without words. Just being present with them, offering them a hug, holding their hand, or listening to them could be exactly what they need in their time of grief, says Francis.

Another way to show them you care is to participate in the grief rituals. For instance, you could attend the funeral or wake to support the person and show them you care.

Offer Your Help

Grief can often feel isolating and overwhelming. It can be helpful to offer your support, so the person feels less alone.

You can offer specific forms of support, such as offering to help with childcare, meals, logistics, or even calling others on their behalf, says Francis.

For instance, you could say:

• “Can I bring over a casserole for your dinner this evening?”
• “Do you need me to watch the children for some time so you can get some rest?”
• “Should I go with you to the funeral home to assist with the arrangements?”
• “Would you like company for some time?”

Or, Francis says you can simply offer unconditional support, by saying “I am here to support you in any way that I can,” so the person can let you know what exactly they need help with.

They may accept your support, or they may decline it. “Don’t take it personally if they decline; rather, continue to be available and let them know the door is open,” says Francis.

Listen If They Want to Talk

Ask the person if they would like to talk. Listen to what they have to say with compassion and empathy.

Avoid interrupting them or trying to give them unwanted advice. As much as you would like to fix things for them, sometimes just listening to them and being there for them is the best thing you can do. Letting them express themselves can help them process their grief.

Grief is often transient, so the person may fluctuate between moments of sadness as they miss their loved one, fear of being alone, moments of acceptance of the loss, and even feelings of happiness at being alive. It’s important to offer a safe space for them to share their thoughts and feelings with you without judgment.

Let Them Know You Understand

While everyone’s experience of grief is unique, you may have felt similarly if you too have lost a loved one. 

It can be helpful to let the person know that you understand what they’re going through because you’ve been through something similar.

However, it’s important to do this in a way that recognizes and validates their grief, rather than minimizing it or dismissing it.

Share Your Memories

If you knew the person who passed away too, share your memories of them with the person if they want to talk about it. Knowing that you also have fond memories of them and are grieving them in your own way too can help them feel less alone in their grief. 

Avoid Telling Them to Be Strong

We often console others by saying “You are strong,” or “Be strong.” Although these statements are supportive on the surface, there is an implied expectation that they must remain strong, which by societal norms implies not crying or expressing their feelings openly, says Francis.

Instead, if a person shows emotions, she recommends providing support by letting them know it's a safe place to cry, scream, or express anger or other emotions. “The key to this process is recognizing our own discomfort with these emotions and intentionally staying present for the person in need without immediately shifting the conversation to something else.”

Be Understanding and Forgiving

If the person’s words or actions seem unusual to you, don’t get offended. 

Grief can elicit an acute emotional and physiological reaction, causing intense sadness, anger, anxiety, and lack of sleep and appetite, among other symptoms. Remind yourself that the person is going through something difficult and painful that has nothing to do with you.

“Don't take interactions personally when someone is experiencing grief. Be forgiving and provide grace and understanding,” says Francis.

Give Them Time

Remember that the grieving process takes time. Give the person the space to process the stages of grief at their own pace and time, says Francis. Check in with them regularly and offer your help and support so the person knows they can count you.

Encourage Them to Get Help If Needed

If the person is having difficulty processing their grief and accepting the person’s loss, it may be helpful for them to see a mental health professional for grief counseling. They may also benefit from joining a support group of people who are living with grief.

If the person expresses suicidal thoughts and you’re worried for their safety, urge them to seek help immediately.