What Not to Say to Someone Who Is Suicidal

Information in this article may be triggering. If you or a loved one are having suicidal thoughts, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 for support and assistance from a trained counselor. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

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What you say to the person is important because talking to them can help prevent suicide, says Hilary Blumberg, MD, a psychiatrist, and director of the Mood Disorders Research Program at Yale School of Medicine.

Why this can be harmful, according to Dr. Hennessy: When you hear that someone you love or care about is contemplating suicide, it can be tempting to highlight why you don’t perceive their life to be “that bad.” Most people do this to try to get their loved one to see a more positive perspective; however, it invalidates the person’s pain and can make them feel even more lonely and unheard.

Why this can be harmful, according to Dr. Hennessy: It's invalidating when you compare their situation to others who you think have it “worse.” This can often lead to increased feelings of guilt and shame on top of the emotional distress the person is already experiencing.

Why this can be harmful, according to Dr. Hennessy: If someone comes to you and informs you that they are contemplating suicide, it is something that needs to be taken very seriously. It's extremely invalidating to tell someone that they're being "dramatic."

You're not the one experiencing the type of despair they're feeling, so labeling their emotions as "dramatic" minimizes their feelings.

Why this can be harmful, according to Dr. Hennessy: Suggesting that their motive is predicated on the need for attention dangerously downplays the seriousness of the situation and misattributes their communication of distress as a form of emotional manipulation.

This can cause the person to stop confiding in others when they are having thoughts of suicide. It also leads to further isolation out of fear of judgment for talking about their distress.

Why this can be harmful, according to Dr. Hennessy: A statement like this attempts to shame a person into not being suicidal, and this does not work. Additionally, the presence of suicidal thoughts and urges is incredibly distressing for many people.

Communicating the message that they should feel shame for a thought that is ultimately out of their control does not make them stop thinking about suicide or make them stop feeling what they feel. Instead, they may end up feeling guilty for having these thoughts.

Why this can be harmful, according to Dr. Hennessy: Typically, those that contemplate suicide often do so under the assumption that the world would be a better place without them. Therefore, they may be more likely to see living in their current state as more selfish than acting on their suicidal ideation.

Why this can be harmful, according to Dr. Hennessy: This is a common response amongst well-intentioned loved ones who just want to make someone else’s pain go away. People are often under the assumption that using overly simplistic problem-solving as the first line of defense is the most effective way of helping those in distress.

If a friend or loved one is communicating suicidality, chances are that they have been feeling that way for quite some time and have either tried many solutions to no avail or do not feel they can access the types of solutions offered.

When we suggest solutions without taking the time to sit with someone’s pain, we often don’t acknowledge the barriers that are present and end up making seemingly impossible actions sound “easy.” This has the potential to increase the person's feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness.

Why this can be harmful, according to Dr. Hennessy: This type of response is a complete denial of the person’s very real misery, and it invalidates and minimizes their pain.

One of the hallmarks of suicidality is a deep sense of hopelessness that pervades the present and any thoughts about the future. The person is unable to imagine a world in which they don’t feel the level of pain they are currently feeling.

How this can be helpful, according to Dr. Hennessy: Saying this lets them know that you're there for them. This comes from a place of non-judgment which, in turn, might lessen some guilt that they have. Even if you don’t know what to do to help, just being there for them and listening to them can greatly reduce their feelings of isolation and shame.

How this can be helpful, according to Dr. Hennessy: It’s important to encourage the person to speak about their suicidal thoughts and urges. When someone is suicidal, their thoughts and feelings are often overwhelming, so they may feel significantly more heard and connected if they have someone to talk to about how they’re feeling.

Talking about it can also give the person time and space to identify and label the many different parts of their internal experience. This process can help them better understand themselves and reduce the weight of those experiences.

How this can be helpful, according to Dr. Hennessy: It’s important to let the person know that they are not "weak" or "selfish" for thinking and feeling the way they do if they are suicidal. Doing this can help reduce shame and increase opportunities for connection.