The Types and Signs of a Masochist

A masochistic person gains pleasure from experiencing various forms of pain. This can involve gaining sexual pleasure from pain or humiliation, but it can also refer to situations where people seek out or enjoy activities that create distress, discomfort, or pain.

Masochism is associated with BDSM, an acronym for sexual practices that involve bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. A sexual masochist experiences sexual pleasure in response to pain, denial, or humiliation.

However, masochism can also apply to more general and often less healthy behaviors. In such cases, a masochist might engage in actions or accept treatment from others that are hurtful, degrading, or physically or emotionally painful that cause the individual to feel anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, or other distressing feelings.

Types of Masochism

While sexual masochism often comes to mind when people hear the term, other non-sexual forms of masochism exist.

The psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud described three types of masochism:

1. Erotic (sexual)
2. Feminine (psychological)
3. Moral

The first two would be described today as sexual masochism and psychological masochism. Other researchers have also suggested adding a fourth type known as adaptive masochism:

• Sexual masochism: Freud referred to this type of masochism as erotic masochism. It involves finding sexual pleasure in experiencing pain.
• Psychological masochism: This is a non-sexual type of masochism that involves deriving enjoyment from experiencing psychological pain. Such pain can be self-inflicted or caused by others.
• Moral masochism: This is a form of masochism that involves invoking suffering to alleviate feelings of guilt. It can involve self-punishment and may represent a form of guilt complex, but it can also involve self-sacrificing, prosocial, or altruistic acts that benefit others.
• Adaptive masochism: This type of masochism involves deriving pleasure from temporary periods of pain or discomfort that ultimately lead to some delayed gratification. For example, a person might save a favorite treat to enjoy later because they enjoy the agony of anticipation.

One 2018 systematic review found that masochism connected to gratification inhibition (i.e., adaptive masochism) was the healthiest type. What the study showed was that feeling conflicted about masochism, or experiencing guilt, shame, or sadness about finding pleasure in pain, was the least healthy and most distressing. Such conflicts were associated with characteristics of personality disorders and depression.

Masochist vs. Sadist

While 'sadist' and 'masochist' are often linked, they have different meanings.

• A sadist is a person who derives pleasure, including sexual gratification, from inflicting pain or humiliation on others. In the context of BDSM, this is practiced with consent and shared interest. The term may also be used to refer to those who enjoy being cruel and hurtful.
• A masochist, on the other hand, finds pleasure in experiencing denial, degradation, or physical pain.

How to Tell If Someone Is a Masochist

The only way to truly tell that someone is a masochist is if they tell you directly that it is something they enjoy. You might pick up on certain cues if you are their sexual partner, but the only way to know is if that person chooses to tell you.

When it comes to more general masochistic behavior, you might be able to spot signs that you or someone you know is a masochist.

Some potential indicators include:

• Seeking out situations that involve self-sacrifice: Masochistic people may put themselves in situations where they have to put other people’s needs above their own, often to the point that they experience suffering.
• Refusing to ask for help when dealing with painful or difficult situations: When faced with a difficult or painful situation, a masochist may opt to endure the pain rather than ask others to help or provide relief.
• Getting involved in relationships with domineering or narcissistic people: Masochists may find themselves in relationships with people who are dominant or only interested in themselves. Their partners may humiliate, shame, manipulate, or neglect them, with or without consent.
• Lack of assertiveness: Some masochists are accommodating to the point that they are submissive. When taken advantage of, some masochists rarely fight back or stand up for themselves. Other masochists have a clearer understanding of how their desires and needs may be met, and may practice assertiveness to have them fulfilled in a consensual and mutually enjoyable way.
• Perfectionism: Perfectionistic people often hold themselves and others to an impossible standard. When they fail to meet these self-imposed expectations, they might take some pleasure in punishing themselves for their perceived failures.
• Lack of self-care, small pleasures, and everyday joys: Self-denial is often a sign of masochism. A masochist might neglect their needs to the point of pain or take pleasure in denying themselves the things they love. They enjoy creating their own discomfort.
• Negative self-talk: Constant self-criticism and negative self-talk can sometimes signify masochism. A masochist makes no effort to change or refute this self-inflicted, hurtful self-talk.
• Self-sabotage: Masochists also tend to sabotage their own chances for success. While this is sometimes linked to a fear of success, some people may derive pleasure from their own defeat. When things are going too well, a masochistic person might find a way to sabotage themselves so they can experience feelings of disappointment or misery.

What Causes People to Be Masochists?

The exact causes of masochism are not entirely clear. Different types of masochism may have differing causes and more research is needed.

One theory about the source of masochistic tendencies may be traced to childhood.

The roots of a masochistic or "self-defeating personality" may be a result of an early struggle of will between a developing child and parents determined to maintain control of the child at any cost.

Parents who demand complete obedience and compliance do not allow room for a child to have their own needs, opinions, feelings, and desires. Love and acceptance is conditional and when taken to an extreme, controlling parents may chastise, abuse, and humiliate the child, threatening abandonment or worse punishment if the child does not comply.

Raised in this environment, children may respond by holding onto their hurt and resentment, wishing to fight back against their parents but lacking the ability or power to do so. This desire for pain, punishment, or revenge may be redirected internally, with the child punishing themselves. The controlling or critical behavior of a parent may become an internalized voice of a bullying and self-defeating inner critic telling the child that they deserve the treatment they are receiving.

As an adult, this can continue in a self-defeating way, or these impulses may be sexualized and expressed in the context of a consensual, communicative, and mutually respectful BDSM relationship.

Nonsexual Masochism

While sadism and masochism are distinct, some research has found that people enjoy hurting themselves or being hurt are also more likely to take pleasure in causing other people pain or discomfort.

In this study, masochistic people enjoyed eating spicy food, receiving painful massages, and hearing disgusting jokes. Such individuals also exhibited high levels of antisocial traits, including what the researchers referred to as everyday sadism, subclinical psychopathy, and low levels of honesty and humility. 

Sexual Masochism

One 2020 study found no such connection. Instead, researchers suggest that such interests represent a broadening of sexual interests, not a fixation.

The study also found other factors that were associated with interest in masochism, which included:

• Power exchange: Participants reported enjoying giving up power and being forced to be vulnerable.
• Pain: Participants suggested that "good" pain could be pleasurable.
• Altered consciousness: Some participants also reported that masochism allowed them to experience an altered state of meditative, relaxed consciousness, also referred to as "sub space."

Coping With Masochistic Traits

Being a masochist isn’t always a negative thing. Enjoying certain types of pain in specific contexts isn’t uncommon (such as gaining enjoyment from watching sad movies), and it can even be healthy (such as incorporating sexual masochism into a consensual and sex-positive relationship). 

Talk to a Professional

If being a masochist creates problems, talking to a mental health professional can be helpful. A therapist can help you understand why you might seek out pain.

Practice Relaxation Strategies

Look for ways to address any anxiety that might compel you to seek pleasure through masochism. Relaxation techniques that can be useful for managing stress and anxiety include:

• Aromatherapy
• Deep breathing
• Meditation
• Mindfulness
• Progressive muscle relaxation
• Visualization
• Yoga

Deal With Negative Emotions

Masochistic tendencies might more likely emerge when you struggle with negative feelings, such as feeling bad about yourself or helpless.

It can be helpful to find ways to tolerate distress better and practice emotional acceptance when it comes to negative emotions.

Develop Health Coping Mechanisms

You might be more likely to turn to masochistic behaviors when you don't know how else to cope. Learning some more healthy coping mechanisms can give you alternatives that can be healthier and more productive. 

Frequently Asked Questions