How Routines Can Improve Your Relationships

When you start dating someone, things are often new and exciting. Every interaction is thrilling because it’s something you’ve never done before. Then slowly, over time, you align your schedules, designate date night, and divide the chores. You’ve settled into a comfortable routine.

The idea of having a routine in your relationship can sound boring. However, developing a routine doesn’t mean that complacency has arrived and your relationship is doomed.

Besides, having a fixed routine can give you and your partner something to look forward to. Otherwise, if you don’t make it a point to schedule dates and other routines with your partner, you may not be able to spend as much time together as you’d like. “Life’s obligations may keep a couple waiting for spontaneity that never happens or isn’t consistent or sufficient to nurture the relationship,” says Claudia de Llano, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of “The Seven Destinies of Love.”

In this article, we explore how routines can benefit your relationship and suggest some elements you can add to your routine to improve your relationship. We also discuss whether there is such a thing as too much routine in a relationship and what you should do if you’re getting bored with your routine.

How Routines Can Benefit Your Relationship

These are some of the ways routines can benefit your relationship:

• Increased stability: While spontaneity can be exciting, the flipside can be stressful unpredictability. Routines are comforting because they provide stability and familiarity, says Dr. Romanoff. Stability is a key ingredient in maintaining a long-term committed relationship.
• Stronger bond: As you and your partner fall into a routine, you can adjust it so that it works for both of you and accommodates both your preferences. This learning process can help strengthen your bond and improve your relationship.
• More meaningful quality time: Routines can help you and your partner spend time together while engaging in activities both of you enjoy, says Dr. Romanoff. This can help make your quality time together more meaningful.
• Greater commitment: Scheduling creates a deliberate commitment to consciously show up for your partner and the relationship, says de Llano.
• Greater emotional intimacy: Sharing experiences and engaging in activities with your partner creates a sense of togetherness and leads to increased intimacy.
• Increased trust: Routines help create a sense of consistency and reliability in the relationship. This can lead to greater trust in your partner and in the relationship.
• Less stress and conflict: Unpredictability can be stressful and sometimes lead to conflict if either partner's expectations aren’t met. Having a steady routine can help eliminate stress and conflict.

Routines tend to signify how partners are melding and integrating their lives. They provide checkpoints to harmonize with each other and be in alignment.

— SABRINA ROMANOFF, PSYD

Routines That Can Boost Your Quality Time

These are some elements you can add to your daily routine, to improve your quality time with your partner:

• Take a morning walk together: A morning walk can increase quality time spent together while also helping you exercise and spend more time in nature, says Dr. Romanoff. If your schedule doesn’t allow for it on weekdays, you can do it on the weekends.
• Have dinner together: Having dinner together every night can be an important daily ritual that helps you feel connected and grounded. You can choose to cook together, or divide up the cooking and cleaning responsibilities.
• Brush your teeth together: Even small things like brushing your teeth together at the end of the night is a routine that can provide bonding and connection, Dr. Romanoff says.
• Watch television together: Find movies and shows that you both enjoy so you can watch them together to unwind. You and your partner can take turns picking out the material.
• Plan date night once a week: Make a special effort to get dressed up for date nights with your partner. This can be an important ritual even if you live together and eat dinner together every day, because seeing your partner as a date and not just a roommate can help keep the spark alive in your relationship. It can also be a tangible way to show each other how much effort and energy you put into the relationship, says Dr. Romanoff.
• Try new things: Make an effort to try new things together and take risks as a couple, in order to create experiences that give you the opportunity to be vulnerable and learn more about each other, says Dr. Romanoff. You could try new foods, new restaurants, or new activities.
• Travel together: Aim to take one or two trips together every year. Plan your vacation days accordingly and look for new destinations that you can explore together.

Routines to Better Your Communication With Your Partner

These are some elements you can add to your daily routine, to improve your communication with your partner:

• Share your plans: Let your partner know about your plans for the day and what you are looking forward to or nervous about so they can more about your internal and external worlds. This habit can help build intimacy and closeness in the relationship.
• Check in during the day: Text your partner when you are thinking about them or during a time of day like your lunch break. Knowing that you are thinking about them can brighten their day and create feelings of closeness even from a distance.
• Catch up on your day: Set aside some time every night to discuss your day together. This can give you and your partner an opportunity to share the day’s events, feelings, learnings, and struggles with each other. You have the chance to provide care, support, encouragement, and celebration for each other during this time.
• Say “good morning” and “good night”: You can wish your partner “good morning” when you wake up and “good night” before you go to bed, even if you don’t live together or have different schedules. It can feel nice to start and end the day with each other and this can help you feel connected even if you’re in different places or have different timings.

Routines to Improve Intimacy

These are some elements you can add to your routine, to create more intimacy with your partner:

• Reach for your partner when you wake up: Instead of reaching for your phone first thing in the morning, reach for your partner instead. Cuddling or gazing into each other's eyes for a few minutes before you get up and go about your day can help you feel more connected.
• Kiss your partner good night: Give your partner a kiss before you go to sleep. Even if you don’t have sex every night, a good night kiss can help you feel close and intimate with your partner.
• Snuggle while you watch television: Snuggle up with your partner if you’re watching television together at night or on the weekends. This can make the experience a lot more intimate.
• Give them a hug when you get home from work: When you or your partner come home from work, take a minute to give them a big hug and show them that you missed them during the day.
• Hold hands when you’re out together: Hold your partner’s hand when you’re out together. This simple gesture shows people you’re together and you care about each other.
• Set a steady cadence for sex: How sex is defined and expressed is very unique to every couple and as such can be communicated through a scheduled commitment, de Llano says. Set a routine for sex that works for both of you. For instance, you may prefer to have sex in the morning instead of at night. Or, if your week is very hectic, make time on the weekend to have sex and cuddle up in bed.

Is There Such a Thing as Having Too Much Routine?

Yes, having too much routine can also have its downsides, such as:

• Monotony: If you and your partner settle into a monotonous routine without any spontaneity or surprises, it may start to feel predictable and boring.
• Stagnation: Sticking to the same routine without any new experiences can cause the relationship to feel stagnant.
• Dependency: Being overly dependent on your partner and your routine with them can cause you to lose your individuality and independence.
• Poor connection: Only communicating with your partner about your routine without taking any time to connect emotionally or physically can cause your bond to suffer.
• Rigidity: Getting too comfortable in the routine can cause you to resist any changes.

What to Do If You’re Bored of the Routine

The experts share some steps you can take if you’re bored of the routine:

• Redesign the routine: If you’re bored with the routine, it’s time to communicate that to your partner and reimagine it, says de Llano. “This is an opportunity to discuss, explore, and learn about each other—and yourself. Stay open to redesigning your life, your relationship, and your personal growth. ”
• Replace things that are not working: Let go of a routine that is no longer working for you and create a new one, says de Llano. With more time together, eventually breaking those routines you’ve settled into can become a way to start a new ritual, says Dr. Romanoff. “If you always make eggs for breakfast, start to go out for bagels. Skip your Friday night date night and spend the night in.”
• Find ways to establish a shared reality: Find ways to bond through experiences that bring you both excitement and comfort, says Dr. Romanoff. “This could mean trying a new coffee spot together, making your partner breakfast in bed, or trying a new hobby or social activity on the weekends.”
• Share new aspects of yourself: Dr. Romanoff recommends creating new routines that enable you to share different aspects of yourself and also learn things about your partner you wouldn’t otherwise know. For example, she says you could make each other playlists from your teenage years, and then go to one of your favorite band’s concerts.