How Nonviolent Communication Can Change Your Relationship

Nonviolent communication is a communication strategy that focuses on honestly expressing your deepest feelings and needs to someone, and being able to empathetically listen to theirs.

This form of communication was developed by a clinical psychologist named Marshall Rosenberg in the 1960s to address inner-city violence in his hometown of Detroit, though it can be helpful to use in every type of relationship, romantic relationships in particular.

Nonviolent communication aims to improve relationships through compassionate exchange, says Claudia de Llano, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of “The Seven Destinies of Love.”

In this article, we explore the components of nonviolent communication, the benefits of this communication strategy, and how you can apply it to your relationship.

The Four Components of Nonviolent Communication

Nonviolent communication consists of four components:

• Observations
• Feelings
• Needs
• Requests

We tapped Clarissa Silva, a behavioral scientist, relationship coach, and creator of ‘Your Happiness Hypothesis Method,’ to help us understand how to apply these components to relationships.

Observations

Making observations involves describing the objective, factual elements of a situation without any judgment. It focuses on what can be observed rather than assumed or interpreted, which can sometimes be incorrect.

Reserving judgment can help prevent defensiveness and gives your partner room to open up to you, says Silva.

Feelings

Identifying and expressing your emotions can help you understand yourself and connect with your partner. It can help your partner understand your experiences and recognize your needs.

This process involves exploring how your partner’s words and actions affect your feelings; says Silva. However, it’s important to take ownership of your feelings, rather than attributing them to your partner.

Needs

Introspection can help you understand your deepest needs, says Silva. Once you’ve identified your needs, it’s important to learn how to express them without blaming or criticizing the other person.

Requests

Making clear, specific, and doable requests allows you to ask your partner for what you need.

The key is to orient your requests around what you need instead of making demands or complaining about things you dislike, says Silva. "We can mitigate conflict and misunderstandings by approaching requests from a needs-based perspective rather than a demands-based perspective."

How to Apply Nonviolent Communication in Your Relationship

The experts shared some tips that can help you use nonviolent communication in your relationships.

Learn to Listen

It’s important to learn how to listen to your partner without interrupting, judging, or reacting to what they’re saying, says de Llano.

Often, we formulate our thoughts while quickly computing how we’re feeling, rather than fully listening to our partner’s experience, she explains. “Nonviolent communication requires us to slow down our process of communication and suspend interruptions, so we can really listen and become more of an objective witness to our partner’s words, experiences and feelings.”

Pause Before You Respond

We’ve all lashed out at our partners when we’re angry or upset, with the intention of hurting them in response to our own feelings of hurt. However, pausing before you respond and taking a moment to regulate your emotions in order to respond in a calm and grounded way, instead of reacting out of anger or defensiveness, can help you practice nonviolent communication instead.

The process of nonviolent communication gives you the ability to listen in a way that suspends reactivity, says de Llano. Instead of responding to a situation angrily or antagonistically, she says it’s important to take a step back and consider your response. “By stepping away, you can breathe, notice your feelings, identify your needs, and make reasonable requests.”

If you feel pressured to respond, de Llano recommends asking your partner for a moment to process, in order to formulate a thoughtful response that incorporates your observations, feelings, needs, or requests.

Avoid Judgment or Blame

Some of the negative communication patterns that people develop are based on blaming or criticizing partners rather than sharing their feelings, says Silva. She explains that statements like: “You don’t listen to me” or “You are scaring me” put the other person on defensive mode.

One of the most effective techniques you can employ when you speak to your partner is the “I” statement, says de Llano. “This technique can help diffuse conflict because it puts the onus of responsibility regarding the issue on the person presenting it instead of the person receiving it.”

If you take the “you” out of it, your partner will be less defensive and more receptive to hearing what you have to say, says Silva.

How to Cultivate Nonviolent Communication Skills

The experts share some steps you can take to cultivate nonviolent communication skills:

• Practice compassion: We often apply critical thoughts, blame, and self-doubt in our relationship with ourselves, says de Llano. “By learning to think and react compassionately toward ourselves, we improve the way we respond to our partners.” As a starting point, she recommends observing your words, thoughts, and feelings, as well as how you respond to them.
• Work on being more empathetic: Being empathic, accepting, and supportive can help you change your communication style, says Silva. “You can practice empathy by mentally placing yourself in your partner’s experience of that moment, to understand how they might be feeling.”
• Keep a journal: Journaling can help you be more mindful of your thoughts and feelings—toward your partner and yourself. It’s a good way to monitor whether you are beginning to repeat patterns of poor or toxic communication, says Silva.

Benefits of Nonviolent Communication

These are some of the ways nonviolent communication can benefit your relationship, according to the experts:

• Increased self-awareness: Practicing nonviolent communication can help you become more aware of your feelings and needs. As you become more self-aware, you start to understand what will really make you happy, says Silva.
• Greater honesty and intimacy: Nonviolent communication creates an ambiance of listening that is less emotionally charged, more neutral, more grounded, and therefore, more honest, more connected, and more intimate, says de Llano.
• More intentionality: Responding thoughtfully instead of reacting emotionally can help you be more intentional in your communication. This can help you avoid situations where you say things you don’t mean.
• Less conflict: While aggressive or demanding communication can put partners on the defensive, nonviolent communication can help prevent or diffuse conflict. It promotes empathy and helps you and your partner see each other’s perspective.
• Increased compassion: Nonviolent thinking helps you be more compassionate toward yourself, your partner, and the world in general, says de Llano.