Why the "No Contact" Rule Is So Important After a Breakup

Whether you’ve just parted from a quick fling or are ending a years-long relationship, dealing with a breakup is downright heart-wrenching. Complicated feelings of grief, relief, anger, regret, and sadness swirl around in a messy sea, and no matter how right the decision was to part ways you may find yourself missing the other deeply. 

As difficult as it is to go “no contact” with someone you spent so much time with, many relationship experts believe that this is one of the best routes you can take to heal your heart, keep things uncomplicated, and move onward. Ahead, we’re explaining what “no contact” means, what its benefits are, and how you can resist that bubbling temptation to reach back out to your ex-partner.

What Is the “No Contact” Rule?

As the phrase implies, the “no contact” rule entail cutting off all communications with your ex following a breakup. This includes not engaging in phone calls, texting, direct messages and “likes” on social media, and in-person meetups. Some even argue that looking at their social media posts is considered off limits.

“In addition to no direct contact with your previous partner, it also means not following up with mutual friends to gather any form of information about their lives,” adds Leanna Stockard, LMFT at LifeStance Health.

While you inevitably will think of your ex-partner from time to time, eliminating contact and ceasing innocent “check-ins” can help reduce how much your mind wanders back to them and your relationship. It can also help prevent confusing feelings for both of you.

The Benefits of Going “No Contact”

It doesn’t matter how long you dated or how amicable the ending was; breakups are incredibly painful difficult and come with a slew of confusing emotions.

“It is normal to feel upset, sad, anxious, hopeless, helpless and confused following a breakup,” says Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, PhD. “You may also find yourself reminiscing about your relationship and going over the breakup.”

Going “no contact” allows you more time to healthily process the loss and grief of your relationship. Ultimately, it can help you mend your heart, accept that the relationship is over, and begin dating again once you’re ready.

Stockard adds that following the “no contact” rule also allows prevents you from sliding back into the relationship itself, which creates confusion and can prolong your pain. This clear boundary might be difficult to contend with, especially early on, but provides structure as you move forward with your life.

How To Resist the Temptation of Breaking No Contact

The feelings you have toward your ex might have waned—there’s a reason you broke up, after all—but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to stop communicating with them altogether. In fact, you might feel like there’s a missing hole in your life as you process the breakup, and there’s a very good chance you’ll feel tempted to cope with that grief by reaching out again.

For that reason, it’s important to resist the temptation of calling, texting, or even snooping on them via social media.

Here are some ways you can resist the urge:

• Keep a Journal: When you feel like reaching out to your ex, grab a journal instead. Write down what you’re thinking or feeling to help further process your emotions.
• Spend Time With Friends: “Talk with close friends and loved ones to see if they can hold space for you to talk about how you are feeling when you feel tempted to reach out to your ex,” Dr. Lira de la Rosa advises. According to the American Psychological Association (APA), connecting socially is a key way we can manage stress and find joy, particularly when dealing with life's difficulties.
• Dive Into Hobbies: Now’s a great time to re-invest in yourself. Figure out what you love, find new passions, and throw yourself into healthy habits that build confidence and joy.
• Keep Your Phone Out of Reach: We tend to mindlessly scroll through our phones when bored, which is a recipe for reaching out to an ex or checking in on their social media accounts. When possible, keep your phone out of reach during these bouts of boredom.
• Figure Out the Source of Your Temptation: “Ask yourself where these urges are coming from and what you hope to gain from re-establishing that contact,” Stockard says. "You may find that there’s not a very good reason. If the answers to those questions still push you toward the desire to restore contact, some additional ways to resist are taking time for yourself and empathizing with the difficulty of resisting the temptation."

If you do fall into the temptation and contact your ex, know that it’s not the end of the world. Go back to “no contact” again and push forward.

Is It OK To Re-Establish Contact Later?

Every breakup is different, and there’s no specific amount of time that needs to pass before contacting your ex again. And you may even realize that there’s no reason to re-establish contact at all. However, if you’re looking for a time frame, then Dr. Lira de la Rosa says to aim for about three to six months. A 2007 study published in the Journal of Positive Psychology also found that its 155 participants started feeling better right around that three-month mark.

“A good question to ask yourself is, ‘Do I still have feelings for them?’ If the answer is yes, it may be too soon to contact them,” Stockard adds. “In those instances, we may be looking to establish contact so you can get back together or vindictively show them how ‘good’ you are doing without them.”

However, if the answer is no then follow that question up with, "If I no longer feel connected to them romantically, what would be an underlying need to re-establish that connection again?"

If it’s to alleviate awkwardness in a friend group or at work, or to try to work on a friendship, do so slowly and after establishing clear boundaries for yourself and with each other.

“If the relationship in any way was abusive, toxic and the ‘no contact’ rule was established for safety reasons, I highly recommend never re-connecting with this partner,” adds Stockard. “Getting back into contact with this person can begin the cycle of abuse over again, whether it is the return of love-bombing or continuing to blame you for everything that you did wrong in the relationship to end the way that it did.”

Breakups are notoriously challenging, but the “no contact” rule can help you process the difficult mix of emotions. Try to resist the temptation of re-establishing contact, which will likely create emotional confusion and prolong pain for both you and your ex. This is a time to re-invest in yourself and create a pathway for moving onward and upward.