How to Be an Ally to and Within the LGBTQIA+ Community

Not even a decade ago, great strides were being made to provide LGBTQIA+ people with the same human rights as their cisgender straight counterparts. When marriage equality changed marriage laws in the United States in June of 2015 to allow for gay unions, too, it seemed as though we were on track to the days of sexuality and gender discrimination fading into the past. Unfortunately, the opposite occurred.

In recent years, anti-LGBTQIA+ bills have snowballed. There are currently 340 anti-LGBTQIA+ bills that have been introduced at state levels, a record-breaking 150 of which target trans people. Though many of these bills will not succeed in moving forward, even a small percentage of them becoming law is detrimental to the mental health and physical health of those whom they discriminate against. As such, the climate of the LGBTQIA+ community is one with a renewed sense of fight. This time, though, having briefly experienced a country in which LGBTQIA+ people were promised equality years ago, we're much more fed up.

Allyship, both within the LGBTQIA+ community and on behalf of it by cishet people, is vital to our mental wellness: The actions taken by those outside the community can serve to save the energy and well-being of those within it. Because being an ally means a lot more than just saying you are one, we've compiled a list of actionable steps you can take. Ahead, learn how your behavior can positively impact others.

Understand Emotional Labor

You might think that asking someone questions about their experience is innately a good thing because you're coming from a place of wanting to educate yourself. That's not necessarily the case. Asking someone more marginalized than you to explain their identity is a request for emotional labor from them. Before asking a person for resources or to explain their identity to you, ask them if they're up for it. Inquiring as to whether or not someone has the time or bandwidth to share information with you is a respectful action to take and shows that you value other people's energy.

Brightline therapist Savannah Cole, MS, MBA, LMFT, who works with marginalized groups that identify as LGBTQIA+, neurodivergent, Latinx, military combat veteran children and families, and more, adds that "just because someone is part of this community doesn’t mean they are obligated to educate others on the matter," and they note that "a simple Google search could help you identify these answers yourself."

Follow the Same Rules

You wouldn't generally ask an overly personal question of anyone who isn't your close friend, so you shouldn't ask one of someone who is LGBTQIA+ just because you're curious, either. That means that asking two women about "how" they have sex together or asking a nonbinary person whether they were "born a girl or boy" is equally uncouth.

When out with a girlfriend, I've fielded questions about everything from "Which one of you is the boy in bed?" to whether or not I'm "even gay." Cole says that "We are human, just like any other person. Please do not go out of your way to treat us in a ‘special’ manner." It's best to follow the same rules when asking LGBTQIA+ people questions as you would anyone else. If you know it's inappropriate or personal, save it for Google.

Avoid Intrusion, Especially in Regards to Transition

Similar to how you should follow the same simple societal rules in regard to the questions you ask others about their identity, it's not appropriate to ask intrusive questions about someone's transition.

For example, no one would find it acceptable to ask a friend or work colleague about their genitalia. That means that asking a trans or nonbinary person whether they've had top or bottom surgery isn't ok either. Cole explains that "just because you are curious doesn’t give you the right to ask intrusive questions." They suggest you "educate yourself through a simple Google search or other online resources, such as glaad.org."

Know Your Own Biases

Especially important for those of us within the LGBTQIA+ community, assessing your own biases will help you become a better ally. We all carry privilege in different ways, and the more we are aware of it, the better we can treat one another.

I know that even as a queer woman of color (QWOC), I'm less marginalized than many others, and Cole mentions that they hold biases, too, explaining that "as someone who is a part of this community, I still have biases given my upbringing and culture." They note that "it is important to be mindful that this exists and how we can continue to grow and understand our community. Educate yourself, be open-minded, and continue to grow as a human being."

Vote and Take Action

Voting for politicians who will further LGBTQIA+ causes, and encouraging your local and state leaders to do that can bring about positive change. Cole says to always do your research and "Don’t just fill in a bubble because they market themselves as being pro-TNG or LGBTQIA+." Instead, "look into their personal life, their past, and how they have contributed to positive change within the community."

If you're hesitant about writing or calling a representative because you don't think it will matter, they add that "the offices of representatives do see every single letter written in. So your voice does matter!"

Trade Rainbow Capitalism for Actual Support

Rainbow capitalism is the outpouring every June by large corporations who appear to be in support of LGBTQIA+ people. They may change the color of a soda can to a rainbow, put a flag on a corporate building, or give away rainbow merchandise at a Pride festival. When the company is indeed supporting rights-affirming causes, that's great, but many corporations give the look of being allies while at the same time donating large amounts of money to conservative anti-LGBTQIA+ causes and bills.

Choose to support businesses that instead put their profits towards fighting those bills and electing politicians who work towards equality. It's even better if they are an LGBTQIA+-owned business. Cole says, "The more we are able to support our local LGBTQIA+ businesses, the more we give them space in our community, normalizing our existence and celebrating that this is possible for us to be out in the open and no longer hiding."

They say that in turn, "this is helping the next generation do the same without the pain that we had to endure before, giving all of us a safe place to go in the community, to be ourselves." HRC.org has a list of 200 companies that are working to fight against discriminatory bills.

Just Listen

There is so much to be gained by simply hearing what others have to say. If an LGBTQIA+ person is offering to tell you about their experience, open your ears—and close your mouth unless you're prompted for feedback. "Listen without judgment, with an open mind, and without assumptions. You will learn so much more if you are willing and able to listen to folx stories," suggests Cole. This can be challenging when you want others to know that you stand with them, but listening closely is actually the best way to display that.

Ditch "Main Character Syndrome"

Unless you're asked to share your own story, there's no need to bring up your experiences as a cishet person. There's also nothing to be gained from talking about how "woke" or knowledgeable you are. Cole recommends you "please stop trying to make yourself the center of attention. This is not about you. You are an ally. Your role is to give space to others who are in the community, not yourself!"

Believe Others' Identities

Someone may say they are trans, gay, or asexual, and another person will remark that they "don't look it." Surprisingly, this happens even within LGBTQIA+ communities. I have been told I look straight by hundreds of people (of varying identities themselves) throughout my life, and all it has accomplished is to make me feel like I don't belong.

Know that other people's identities are theirs to discern, and they know best who they are. Whether or not a person appears to be what you consider typical of a certain gender ID or sexuality does not actually mean anything except that we carry stereotypes in our minds. Keep those thoughts to yourself, because they succeed only in othering those you remark upon.