8 Tips to Help You Be a Better Lover, According to Therapists

Whether you’re in a new relationship or you’ve been together for years, you might want to know how to be a better lover and make your connection to your partner stronger.

And in a healthy relationship, you’ll both be supportive of each other. “A supportive partner will practice attentive listening and give encouraging feedback, creating the sense that they truly want to see you thrive,” says Maria Sullivan, relationship expert and vice-president of Dating.com. “These are all qualities to look out for when trying to identify a supportive partner. When dating a supportive partner, there will be no sense of jealousy, competition, or ill intent.”

Tips for Being a Better Lover

It can be all too easy to find yourself stuck in bad habits and patterns, particularly when you’re both busy, but it’s not difficult to reverse them and become a supportive partner.

From validating your partner’s thoughts and feelings to making time for each other and taking an interest in their favorite things, there are lots of things that make someone a better lover. 

Ask Questions

It’s so easy to get caught up in day-to-day life and the sort of conversations that invites, but it’s important to ask intentional questions. Doing so “can help you feel more connected to your partner and spurs on more meaningful conversations,” says Dr. Touroni.

Dr. Touroni mentions some examples of intentional questions, including:

• What makes you feel loved and cared for?
• Do you make decisions from your head or your heart?
• What’s your biggest fear?

Validate Their Thoughts and Feelings

It’s important to validate your partner’s thoughts and feelings. You might not agree, necessarily, but you can still show them respect.

Dr. Touroni suggests saying things like “It makes sense you feel that way” and “I understand—I’d feel that way too if…”.

By doing so, you’re showing that you hear your partner, and understand them. 

Likewise, if your partner is talking about something they’re going through or something that’s frustrating them, your first instinct might be to offer advice. But, sometimes people don’t want advice—they just want to vent and be heard. It’s important to just listen to your partner. 

Show Appreciation

Even the smallest things could mean the world to your partner when you show them how much they mean to you.

“Expressing appreciation for your partner is one of the keys to a happy and successful long-term relationship,” says Sullivan. Whether you’re giving them a hand with their chores if they’re stressed with work or you make them their coffee in the morning, you’re showing that you love them. As Sullivan continues, “Small acts of love can make a big difference in your relationship”. 

Communicate Effectively

In any relationship, communication is key to maintaining a healthy relationship—especially in romantic relationships.

“It’s important to find moments to talk with your partner about your expectations for your relationship and how you’re feeling about where things are going,” explains Sullivan. “This can help you stay on the same page and become aligned on what’s next for your relationship.”

If there’s something that upsets you or hurts you, try not to fly off the handle or go into the conversation with an angry mindset. Talk about how you feel, or felt, rather than accusing your partner. And listen to what they have to say—hear them out. 

Make Time For Each Other

Spending more time together can help partners associate more positive feelings with one another. So, even though you might be busy with daily life, you should try to make time for each other.

Kendall Roach, MA LPC, a therapist at Babylon, recommends taking regular date nights—they don’t have to break the bank, either. You could have a movie night at home or find a free activity if money might be a concern.

Learn Your Love Languages and Argument Styles

Roach says that it’s important to know what each other’s love languages, triggers, and argument styles are, as “knowing what you each need and ensuring it is present will help you be a successful couple.”

“Understand what it is that makes them feel loved and do exactly that,” says Callisto Adams, PhD, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and founder of HeTexted.com.

Be Prepared to Put the Work In

“There is so much that goes into loving someone,” explains Roach. “So many people think love should be easy, but love is hard work.”

“When we have a hard day, it can be easy to snap at our partner versus the person we are truly upset with because we know they will still love us, but, that is not how we should strive to be. If we love someone, we should put in the work to ensure we treat them better than our coworkers or friends. To better love your partner, you have to constantly strive to be better yourself.”

Take an Interest in Each Other's Hobbies

If you and your partner have some of the same interests and hobbies, that’s great! But, why not also take a look at each other’s personal interests?  

How Can Couples Therapy Help?

Sometimes, there are deeper issues that you may want to work through—or perhaps something isn’t working in the relationship.

If this is the case, it definitely doesn’t mean that the relationship is doomed, or destined to fail. Of course, some couples will decide to break up, but there are options like couples therapy. 

“When two people come together, they bring themselves to the relationship but also their past experiences,” explains Dr. Touroni. “In couples therapy, we work to unravel how these patterns came to be and what underpins them so they no longer get in the way of your connection. The aim is to help you both meet each other’s needs and find healthier ways of responding to each other.”