What Disorganized Attachment Looks Like in a Relationship

Disorganized attachment is characterized by inconsistent and hard to predict behavior, and is sometimes called fearful-avoidant attachment style. People with a disorganized attachment style pursue a loving relationship but then detach or lash out at a partner who gives them that love.

It’s the rarest and the most extreme form of insecure attachment as it results from very specific kinds of trauma. But if you have this attachment style or are in a relationship with someone who does, it’s important to understand the signs and causes of disorganized attachment so you can work to develop a more secure, loving relationship.

What Are the Signs and Characteristics of Disorganized Attachment?

Disorganized attachment is characterized by an extreme desire to be in an intimate relationship while simultaneously being intensely afraid of actually being in such a relationship. These conflicting emotions and behaviors that go with them are what distinguish it from a different anxious or avoidant attachment style.

Someone with an anxious attachment style is so intent on being in a secure relationship that they’re able to overlook many red flags and do everything they can to stay in the relationship, even when its unhealthy. Someone with an avoidant attachment style is so afraid of intimacy that they push people away or avoid relationships at all costs.

Someone with a disorganized attachment style does both. They crave intimacy and are viscerally terrified of it at the same time. As a result, they may show both anxious and avoidant behaviors which can make it easy to misidentify the attachment style. It’s the back and forth between the two extremes that is the telltale sign.

Some signs you could look for in your own thoughts and behavior if you suspect you might have a disorganized attachment style include:

• A strong need for closeness and connection
• Feeling unlovable or unworthy
• Finding it painfully difficult to open up or be vulnerable with another person
• Struggling to believe your partner when they say they love you or support you
• Feeling uncomfortable or distrustful of your partner’s supportive actions or attempts to connect with you
• Constantly looking for signs of rejection or betrayal when you’re in a relationship

What Causes Disorganized Attachment Style?

Disorganized attachment is believed to be a result of extreme childhood trauma. While trauma can take many forms, this style is thought to stem specifically from traumatic situations where an attachment figure — a person a child feels dependent on for survival — becomes a source of fear rather than security.

A child who experienced verbal, physical, or sexual abuse, for example, may develop disorganized attachment, as would a child who witnessed an attachment figure commit a violent or abusive act against someone else. Neglect or abandonment can also be traumatic but are more likely to result in anxious or avoidant attachment styles.

The difference between the type of attachment styles developed has nothing to do with whose experiences were more or less traumatizing, rather how the trauma shaped the person's bond with an attachment figure.

In the case of disorganized attachment, an attachment figure who abused the child or other people in front of a child becomes a source of fear. This person who was supposed to be a source of safety becomes a threat the child has to learn to avoid in order to survive.

Despite that fear, the child is often still dependent on this attachment figure. Feeling trapped in this environment, the child does their best to behave in ways to protect themselves from abuse. But because abuse doesn’t follow any rational pattern, they never know what to expect or what the right way to behave would be.

What Does Disorganized Attachment Look Like in a Relationship?

When a person with a disorganized attachment style approaches any type of intimacy or close bond with another person, they’re filled with an overwhelming and conflicting senses of longing and dread. This can cause a lot of issues in a relationship, including:

• Mixed signals, such as switching between being very clingy to very distant at the flip of a switch
• A lack of trust that can look like being overly suspicious or jumping to conclusions based on little to no evidence
• A tendency to shut down or go numb during arguments
• Sabotaging relationships, often by finding an excuse to end it or by doing something to make the other person end it
• Choosing unsuitable partners, such as someone who is potentially abusive or controlling
• Seeking out or creating unhealthy relationship dynamics, like picking fights or intentionally hurting the other person

How to Have a Healthy Relationship with a Disorganized Attachment Style

As much as it may feel impossible to trust others and feel safe again after trauma, its possible to break the pattern and become capable of being in a secure, healthy relationship. Here are some of the most important steps you can take.

Talk to a Therapist

While it’s definitely possible to have a healthy relationship with a disorganized attachment style, it’s often necessary to heal the underlying trauma to do so. It can be painful to confront that past and, you may not even know where or how to start. Professional training and insight from a therapist can help you navigate this painful and overwhelming process safely.

Start Journaling

If you’re not ready to see a therapist or you’re seeing one but you’re not ready to explore your trauma with them yet, a gentler first step can be expressing it on your own. You might start by describing the plain facts of your traumatic past: the who, what, when, and where. Then, sit down each night to write about your day and reflect on any events or thoughts that might be related to your disorganized attachment style or trauma.

Keeping a journal is a helpful starting point because it gives you control of the process. It’s a tangible object that you can open up when you’re ready to reflect on your past and put away when you need a break. Regaining some sense of control over the experience this way can eventually make the task of opening up to a therapist less daunting.

Practice Self-Compassion

Disorganized attachment tends to come with a lot of negative self-talk. You might feel like you’re unlovable or that you don’t deserve a healthy, loving relationship. You can end up projecting this negativity onto your partner, assuming they also must think you’re unlovable.

One way to start healing is to counter those negative thoughts with compassion. Make the following habits part of your routine:

• Do something to take care of your physical well-being. Take a moment to recognize something your body needs and do that for yourself, like taking a walk or eating something healthy.
• Perform a small act of kindness for yourself every day. Do something that makes your day just a bit more pleasant, like going to your favorite beach or park after work or waking up ten minutes early to eat breakfast without rushing.
• Notice your strengths and the things you do right. You might feel like there are none for you to notice, but you can start with smaller things that may feel silly to acknowledge. Maybe you’re good at remembering to feed your dog or you make the best grilled cheese sandwich, for example.
• Practice compassion toward others. Research shows that engaging in little acts of kindness can increase a person’s sense of self-worth and self-esteem, so try volunteering at a shelter or helping a neighbor unload their groceries.