Demystifying Sexuality: What It Is and How It Shapes Us

Sexuality is a core part of our identity and is best defined as the way in which we experience our romantic and erotic desires, actions, emotions, and identity. This means sexuality accounts for many aspects of ourselves and our life experiences, underscoring the importance of not only understanding your sexuality but also embracing it.

This article will explore the various components of sexuality, the factors influencing sexuality, and how you can learn to embrace who you are. 

Components of Sexuality

Sexuality is complex and is based on several components, including sexual orientation, behaviors, and preferences. It also encompasses emotional and romantic connections.

Sexual Orientation

You’ve likely heard of the term sexual orientation before and have a general idea of what it means. Perhaps your understanding is simply that some people are straight, heterosexual, or they are gay, also referred to as homosexual, though homosexual is an outdated term.

Sexual orientation ranges far behind this binary way of thinking. Sexual orientation informs our identity, the community we keep, and the families we form. Beyond being straight or gay is being bisexual. Bisexuality refers to having an attraction to multiple gender identities. Pansexuality, which is often confused with bisexuality, refers to having an attraction to individuals regardless of their gender. 

Sexual Behaviors and Preferences

Sexual behavior is a literal term referring to various behaviors and acts done within sexual encounters. This can include masturbation, oral sex, and penetrative sex. Sexual behavior also includes abstinence and celibacy, even though each of these acts refers to the absence of sexual activity. 

Emotional and Romantic Connections

Emotional and romantic connections also play into how we experience our sexuality. Emotional connections can serve as a foundation for romantic feelings. Emotional intimacy can arise in non-romantic relationships, so even though emotional connections may fall under the umbrella of sexuality, it doesn’t necessarily mean we feel sexually attracted to someone we are emotionally connected to.

In some circumstances, these emotions can lead to feelings of romance. Romantic feelings tend to be present in many sexual relationships, however, there are cases where a sexual relationship doesn’t have any romantic feelings. Any way you feel—from emotionally connected to romantically excited to simply sexually engaged—is okay.

Factors Influencing Sexuality

Biological, cultural, and societal factors all influence our sexuality. Our personal experiences also come into the mix, giving each of us a unique take on our sexual orientation, identity, and behaviors.

• When it comes to biological factors behind how we develop our sexual self-concept, age is a key component.
• Gender identity is shaped prior to puberty, making a huge impact on one’s sexual self-concept.
• Our family dynamic also informs our sexuality. We may see certain emotional and romantic connections modeled, leading us to build our sexuality subconsciously.
• This is closely linked to cultural factors that influence our sexuality. For example, religion can impact how we connect with each other, sexually or otherwise. 
• Societal expectations have a significant impact on our sense of self. Expectations of heteronormativity, which is the assumption that heterosexuality is the relational norm amongst all sexual beings, can hinder one’s comfort with embracing their sexuality. This can then tie into self-esteem.
• Self-esteem and self-concept. Low self-esteem can influence sexual experiences. Our sexual experiences can then inform our sexual self-concept. Therefore, low self-esteem can present a larger risk for a wounded sexual self-concept.

Understanding and Embracing Your Sexuality

Who you are is a gift, regardless of the cultural and societal messaging that might tell you otherwise. However, there is a big difference between intellectually understanding this and having an embodied experience of self-acceptance. Something many struggle with accepting is their sexual orientation.

“If you’re struggling with accepting your sexual orientation, know that this is a very 'normal' reaction to growing up in a culture that does not equally value or humanize any sexual identity that is not heterosexual,” explains licensed marriage and family therapist Matthew Spector.

He continues by explaining that should feelings of self-criticism, fear, or shame arise, reorienting your perspective to seeing these feelings as an external response to an oppressive society. This is key to remember: who you are is not wrong. Our culture’s tendency to oppress marginalized communities is what is wrong.

In cultivating self-acceptance and self-compassion, finding community can be incredibly important. Spector agrees with this and shares that a community doesn’t need to be a large group of people. “Having just one friend who shares your identity can go a long way in reminding us that we belong and are deserving of compassion,” he explains.

Spector also suggests consuming media, like reading books or watching shows, that center the experiences of those who share similar identities as you. “There are so many stories about us out there waiting to be acknowledged and recognized,” he asserts. 

Love Yourself and Find Freedom

In developing a deep reverence for self, you may also find a sense of freedom unlike you’ve ever experienced. Sexuality is a huge umbrella experience for so many aspects of the human experience. Allow yourself to witness, accept, and embrace all of who you are.

If you're finding that you need some extra support along the way, don't hesitate to reach out for help. Consider finding a therapist or a support group. You don't have to go it alone.