Conflict Management and Conflict Resolution—When to Use Each One in Your Relationship

Although they might sound like the same thing, conflict management and conflict resolution are in fact two different approaches to tackling conflicts in a relationship.

Conflict management is an ongoing process that addresses persistent issues that crop up repeatedly in the relationship; whereas, conflict resolution addresses the issue and provides closure once and for all, says Clarissa Silva, a behavioral scientist, relationship coach, and creator of ‘Your Happiness Hypothesis Method.’

Both conflict management and conflict resolution are forms of interpersonal communication that are important to maintain healthy relationships, Silva adds.

In this article, we explore the differences between conflict management and conflict resolution, and when you should use each of these strategies in your relationship.

Conflict Management vs. Conflict Resolution

Let’s take a closer look at the differences between conflict management and conflict resolution.

Conflict Management

Conflict management is the ongoing process of addressing and handling chronic issues in a relationship. It aims to minimize the negative impact of the conflict and maintain a functional relationship.

Chronic issues are problems that get revisited time and time again, says Silva. She explains that these situations are persistent and require management to maintain the peace and keep them from disrupting the relationship.

If, for example, you and your partner have very different tastes in movies and that is a source of repeated conflict in your relationship, a simple conflict management solution would be to compromise and take turns picking the movie. This doesn’t necessarily solve the issue of having different tastes in movies, but it helps manage the conflict that can arise as a result.

Conflict Resolution

Conflict resolution, on the other hand, specifically focuses on finding a final solution for a solvable conflict. It aims to address the root causes of the issue, find a mutually satisfactory solution to the problem, eliminate conflict, and restore harmony in the relationship.

For example, if you and your partner share a joint account and your partner makes an expensive luxury purchase from it without telling you, you may feel angry and frustrated in response to this conflict. The process of conflict resolution may involve sharing your feelings about what happened with your partner, explaining what you need, and requesting you consult with each other before making any purchases over a certain dollar amount from your joint account, make big personal purchases from an individual account, or another solution that feels acceptable for both of you. You and your partner can work together to reach conflict resolution by collaborating and coming to an agreement on how to handle big purchases from your joint account moving forward.

How to Know Which Style to Use? 

These are some factors to consider when you’re trying to decide which style to use:

• Type of conflict: If it’s a persistent problem that crops up repeatedly, conflict management may be more appropriate. However, if it’s an isolated issue that is solvable, conflict resolution can help resolve the issue more definitively.
• Emotional intensity: If it’s an intense conflict that's causing significant anger, tension, or emotional distress, conflict resolution may be required to solve the issue and eliminate the conflict. On the other hand, if it’s an ongoing issue that both partners are used to, conflict management can help minimize its negative effects and ensure the relationship is functional.
• Relationship dynamics: Conflict resolution requires both partners to actively discuss the issue and work on finding a solution. If both partners are unable to give it due time and attention, conflict management can help keep things stable.

Can You Truly ‘Agree to Disagree’ in a Relationship? 

If you and your partner have different values, beliefs, opinions, or perspectives on something, you may wonder whether it’s possible to agree to disagree on it.

This strategy can help minimize discontent in the relationship, says Silva. Rather than forcing someone to see things from your point of view, which can lead to conflict and resentment, agreeing to disagree respects their individuality, and their right to their own opinion.

The key to successfully agreeing to disagree is to actively listen to each other, understand where the other person is coming from, and empathize with their position, even if it’s not the same as yours.

Can Agreeing to Disagree Be a Bad Thing? 

Agreeing to disagree can be a good thing if it helps partners coexist peacefully and respectfully. However, it can sometimes be a bad thing if it leads to:

• Resentment: If partners start to resent each other because of the viewpoints they hold.
• Communication breakdown: If partner’s are unable to communicate effectively while respecting each other’s perspective or stop communicating completely.
• Lack of resolution: If partners are unable to solve their issues and are constantly in a state of conflict.
• Repeated patterns: If the issue is a repeated source of conflict.

How Conflict Affects Relationships

Conflict can affect relationships in positive and negative ways. 

When Conflict Is Good for a Relationship 

Conflict can be good for a relationship if it:

• Resolves misunderstandings: Conflict often arises from misunderstandings, says Silva. Resolving misunderstandings can help improve communication in the relationship.
• Surfaces unmet needs: Conflict can also be caused by failure to consider each other’s needs and wishes, says Silva. Communicating with each other and being considerate of each other’s needs can help improve emotional intimacy in the relationship.
• Encourages problem-solving: Though conflict is not pleasant, discussing issues can help partners find solutions.
• Enables growth: Conflict can offer an opportunity for growth, as individuals and as a couple.

When Conflict Hurts a Relationship

These are some of the ways conflict can harm a relationship, according to Silva:

• Becomes a habit: Conflict can become an unhealthy habit, leading to a repetitive pattern where one or both partners constantly feel hopeless because there is no resolution in sight. This can spiral into resentment and lead to frequent inflammatory or toxic interactions between partners.
• Festers and grows: Not addressing issues as they occur or reoccur is a mistake, because it causes them to fester. Unresolved conflict can result in stress and constant rumination about the dissatisfactory elements of your partner or your relationship.
• Harms mental well-being: Constantly dwelling on mistakes and perceived shortcomings can lead to a vicious cycle that puts you at risk for mental health problems and emotional distress, which has been linked to the development of anxiety, depression, and substance use. Stress can also result in poor sleeping patterns, unhealthy eating habits, blood pressure issues, or heart conditions.

How to Address Relationship Conflict 

Silva shares some strategies that can help you address relationship conflict.

Recognize Triggers

When either person is triggered, explore what triggered them. These are educational indicators, so taking the opportunity to learn about the “why” can help you avoid them in the future. 

Avoid being negative when discussing triggers. Instead, speak calmly and understand that even if you don’t agree, both your viewpoints are still equally valid. The goal is to gain insights into how to manage conflict in the future.

Create a Plan to Address the Conflict

Creating a plan to address problems, whether chronic or solvable, can start the process of alleviation. You want to ask one another “What actionable steps can we take to address the problem causing these emotional reactions?”

Deciding to agree to disagree can be part of your plan of action to create happiness and minimize discontent.

Evaluate Your Needs

These are some factors to think about as you work on finding solutions:

• How do you want to be loved?
• How does that differ from how your partner wants to be loved?
• How do you and your partner express love?
• Are your definitions of love modeled from anywhere (such as caregivers, books, movies, etc.)?
• How do you both cultivate and honor that for one another?

Understand Conflict Rituals

Everyone reacts to conflict differently. The way you and your partner process conflict is a conflict ritual.

Define what your conflict rituals are. For instance, do you have to be left alone to think and process on your own first? Do you need to have it resolved before going to bed or can it wait until you are both ready and regulated? Do you prefer to talk it out with loved ones or keep it between the two of you?

Sometimes conflict rituals can be a source of conflict in themselves. For example, if your partner chooses to run away, you may get upset about that. However, understanding your partner’s reactions to conflict and developing a healthy mechanism to process and deal with conflict can help resolve it.

Don’t Ignore the Issue

Don’t let issues go unaddressed, or they fester and get worse. 

As far as possible, try to discuss and decide on a mutually beneficial outcome as soon as the issue occurs. If it’s not possible to address it immediately, decide on a time when you can discuss it in the near future.